When faced with a tough situation, you can either cry or laugh. Kurt Ellis prefers the latter. The Real Housewives of Nkandla is a fictional, satirical look at what may have happened behind some of the most covered events in South Africa, primarily political.

Meanwhile, in Cape Town…

She lit the last of the blood red candles and let the vanilla scent waft through the room, carried on the warm, salty Cape Town air. She made a mental check. The champagne is on ice, check – the oysters are steamed, check – the whip is in the next room, check – the strawberries are dipped in chocolate, check. She lifted one, and stared lustily at it. The pink and white, coated with brown. She licked her lips, put it in her mouth… and bit.

There was a knock on the door.

“Come in.” she called, and in one smooth motion pressed a button on a remote and turned on the stereo in the corner.

The door creaked open, and in she walked. Her beauty was magnificent. She walked with a regal confidence that made Helen shudder.

“Hello Mamphela.” She whispered with a husky sigh.

“Hello Helen.”

A deep, sexy voice blossomed through the speakers in the darkness. Seductively, it crooned, “Turn out the lights. Light a candle.”

Dr Mamphela Ramphele looked towards the stereo. “Is that Teddy Pendergrass?”

“No,” Helen Zille responded, in a whisper. “It is an announcement from Eskom.”

The man shouted through the speakers. “TURN ‘EM OFF!”

“Please,” Helen continued, pulling out a chair at her desk. “Have a seat.”

She tried to smile, but it was hard. That damn Botox. Dr Ramphele inched forward. She looked nervous. A little unsure, and it excited Helen.

“Mamps” Helen started. “Can I call you Mamps?”

“No.”

“Mamps, let me tell you what I see when I look at you.” Helen licked her lips again. “When I look into your eyes Mamps, all I can do is say to myself…DIKE!”

“I’m sorry?” She stiffened in her chair

Helen repeated. “Dike. Mamps. Dike. The Greek Goddess of Moral Justice. The spirit of moral order and fair judgement.”

Dr Ramphele visibly relaxed again. “Is that why you wanted to see me Helen? So you can call me Dike.”

Helen almost smiled. She tried, but still that Botox held firm. “We will get to that later. Champagne? Strawberries?”

Mamphele shifted in her seat. “Stop playing games Helen. I know what you want.”

She faked shock, “Me? Play games, I would never Mamps.”

“Yeah, right. The alcohol. The oysters. The strawberries. Zille, are you trying to seduce?”

Helen drained her glass of champagne in one gulp. “I know what you like Mamps. I know you like it… hard. I have my whip in the next room.”
“Your what?”

“My whip. The DA’s Chief Whip, Glenda Steyn. She can assist with the press conference. It will be hard in the DA.”

Dr Mamphela Ramphele shot from her seat and rushed over to the window. She looked out over the lights of Cape Town. At Table Mountain, looming like a giant in the background. She felt Helen approach her from behind and felt her hot breath on her neck.

“You know you want it Mamps.”

“I… I… but Agang? What about Agang?”

“Shhhh,” Helen responded. “Let’s not worry about that now. Let’s deal with the present. With you and me, and these…blurred lines. I know you want. I know you want it.”

“I…”

Helen interrupted. “I will give it to you Mamps… for the elections. I will give you the presidency.”

Dr Ramphele moved away from her. “Please Helen. This is too much. I am feeling overwhelmed. I…”

“Just say it. Just say yes.”

“I…”

“Just say it.”

“Oh God Helen. Yes. Yes. Yes.”

That night, Helen Zille changed her Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’.

Come back next week for part 3

Missed part 1? Read it here

About the writer: Born in Durban, Kurt Ellis moved to Johannesburg straight out of high school to study English Literature. He went on to work in sales in the Insurance, Retail and Pharmaceutical industries.

A passionate sports fan, he also writes a column on his favourite football team, Liverpool FC for a UK website, but his love is creative writing. His first novel, By Any Means will be on the shelves of all good bookstores in May, and he is currently working on his second novel.  

Follow Kurt Ellis on twitter@kurtellis2

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