When faced with a tough situation, you can either cry or laugh. Kurt Ellis prefers the latter. The Real Housewives of Nkandla is a fictional, satirical look at what may have happened behind some of the most covered events in South Africa, primarily political.

Ring – Ring.

Hello”

“Hello. Is this Barack?”

“Yes, this is Barack Obama. Who am I speaking to?”

“Crimea.”

“Crimea? Crimea who?”

“Crimea River. Ahe ahe.”

Click. President Zuma hung up the phone and laughed hard. So hard in fact that his stomach started to hurt.

“Mr President!” Mac Maharaj walking into the office, his face stern. Zuma stopped laughing immediately. “Are you making crank calls again?”

“No.” Zuma replied softly.

“Mr. President?” The Presidential spokesman prompted.

The president replied, even soft. “Yes.”

“Mr President!” Maharaj was livid. “We do not have time for this. The Public Protectors report is being released today. We must get ready with a response.”

“But we have our response Mac. I didn’t know what was going on in my house.”

“Yes Mr. President. But then people are going to say, how can you know what’s going on with the country if you cannot even manage your own home.”

Zuma thought for a second. “You’re right. So what are we going to do?”

Maharaj opened up a binder. “If the report is negative. We say Thuli Madonsela is a bloody agent with an agenda. We will dismiss it. But if it is positive, then we say she did a fantastic job. But…”

“What Mac.” The President interrupted. “I saw something on the news last night that has me worried.”

“What was it Mr. President.”

“Eish Mac. Things are bad. South Africa is starving. I mean, I saw this report of these people who are living in squalor. Squatting wherever they can find shelter.” He shook his head. “It is horrible.”

“I know, Mr. President.”

Tears began to well in his eyes. “They spend their days looking for water and food. And trying to prevent others from taking the little that they have. The violence, Mac. Too much violence and crime. And to make it worse, a politician is openly involved.”

“A politician?” Mac Maharaj’s grey caterpillar-like-eyebrows furrowed. “Is it Tina Joemat-Pettersson? Which politician, sir?”

Zuma shook his head. “I don’t know Mac. I don’t know his name. That’s what I need you to find out. His title is Governor.” 

“Governor?” Mac felt even more confused. Almost like Julius in a woodwork class.

“Yes Mac, Governor.” He shrugged. “I didn’t know we even had Governors. But it is terrible, Mac. Awful. It is so bad, the people are even eating each other Mac. Eating other human beings.”

Again, Mac stopped Zuma.” Cannibalism?”

“No Mac, man. It has nothing to do with dagga. I’m talking about people eating people.” President Zuma shook his head slowly. “It’s horrible. That poor old man with the one leg. The Chinese boy who was probably just trying to provide cheap labor. But thankfully there is a policeman with them. His name is Grimes. He is a good cop. Get Riah to give him an award. He deserves it.”

Mac Maharaj sighed hard. “No Mr. President. That was not the news. That is a TV show called The Walking Dead.”

Zuma stopped and stared into Mac’s eyes, searching to see if he spoke the truth. “Serious?”

“Yes Mr. President. Serious.”

The President laughed out loud. “Ahe, Ahe, sjoe. I was worried for a second. So the people are not hungry and poor.”

“No Mr. President. They live in Utopia.”

“Utopia. Who is she? Is she married?”

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About the writer: Born in Durban, Kurt Ellis moved to Johannesburg straight out of high school to study English Literature. He went on to work in sales in the Insurance, Retail and Pharmaceutical industries.

A passionate sports fan, he also writes a column on his favourite football team, Liverpool FC for a UK website, but his love is creative writing. His first novel, By Any Means will be on the shelves of all good bookstores in May, and he is currently working on his second novel.  

Follow Kurt Ellis on twitter@kurtellis2

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