Why I will not watch 50 Shades of Grey

By  | Dec 06, 2018, 01:46 AM

Here I thought that the biggest challenge I would have to deal with this Valentine's Day is… Valentine's Day. Turns out I was wrong. Two words - Christian Grey! I have been bombarded with tales of how amazingly amazing Fifty Shades of Grey is, and how I “just have to watch the movie”. But I've got a confession to make. I will NOT be watching Fifty Shades of Grey. And if you're in need of a valid excuse to get out watching it yourself, I've got your back. 

Play it off

Fifty Shades of Grey is like the Justin Bieber of movies - mention it and ladies cannot control themselves. And just like with Bieber, I'm there like, “What's the big deal?”
I don't know about you, but I'm usually less attracted to something when people make a big deal out of it - the hipster in me, I guess. So channel your inner hipster, and just go with the, “Nah, too much hype. Not interested,” excuse. 

Take the feminist approach

Christian Grey sounds like a douche. There, I said it! So the next time your friends swoon over Mr. Grey, and beg you to tag along to watch the movie, just hit them with the feminist approach. It goes a little something like this, “Seriously, ladies? Is this the type of message we want to be sending to men? That it's okay for them to act like complete douche-bags, and treat us like crap. But more importantly, is this the message you want to be sending to your daughters?”  Guaranteed to work! Although the last line probably works best if you're a mom. 

Take the activist approach

On a more serious note, the Fifty Shades of Grey books have been targeted for its “wrongful representation” of BDSM (Bondage & Discipline/Domination and Submission/Sadism & Masochism). Basically, women's rights activist claim that Christian Grey uses tactics (like alcohol or manipulation) to get Anastasia to do the things he wants. These groups have gone so far as to say the movie glamourises sexual abuse, even calling Christian Grey “a rapist”. 

Reg Flag alert

You know something's up when the real life wife of Christian Grey (played by Jamie Dornan) refuses to watch the movie. Er… red flag alert! The star was quoted as saying that his wife does not want to watch the movie, but he understands because it's “probably not that comfortable to watch.”

So I'm texting friends like, “If his wife won't even watch it, then something's just not right. I'm out guys 9”.  I find that the sad face adds a nice touch. 

It's being released on Valentine's Day

Hey guys, when's the best day to release the most overhyped movie ever? I know! How about the most overhyped day of the year? Urrg, there goes the hipster in me again. 

Gross them out

My mom read the book, so me going out to watch the movie would just be Fifty Shades of Weird!